Will Rocket stay the course this year?

Wry take on the week’s sporting events

James Gill and Paul Vale

@JamesGillComedy & @PaulVale

Ronnie O’Sullivan has spoken of the importance of being mentally strong before the start of the World Snooker Championship in Sheffield. “My head is in a good place,” said the three- times world champion while running up the M1 wearing a chicken suit.

Manchester City are looking to sign Clarence Seedorf in the summer. It’s purely to make Gareth Barry feel pacy.

If the Seedorf deal falls through, Mancini will turn to Beryl Reid, Rik Waller or Dr Gregory House.

Beth Tweddle says she’ll retire after London 2012. Tweddle may move into punditry, while her teeth will be melted down and used to grout the O2 arena.

Rory McIlroy’s clubs have been found. The golfer’s bag had been mislaid on a private flight from the US to Kuala Lumpur. Unfortunately, no one has been unable to locate McIlroy’s nerve, which remains lost in transit.

LeBron James has bought a stake in Liverpool FC. The Miami Heat star said: “I see myself trying to do the same things they have,” before banging on about how good he used to be despite the fact no one else is interested and it’s completely irrelevant.

Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi says he plans to bid for Cristiano Ronaldo if AC Milan win Serie A. “This is fantastic news for the city,” said a representative of the Milan’s sex workers union.

Martin Keown has told Wayne Rooney that he must learn from his two-match ban for screaming expletives into a TV camera. And Keown is the perfect role model. Instead of swearing, Rooney will jump up and down in front of Ruud van Nistelrooy.

Arsene Wenger has demanded a guarantee from new Arsenal owner Stan Kroenke that he will not cash in on Cesc Fabregas this summer. “Fabregas is going nowhere,” replied Kroenke during a weekend away at his villa on the Catalonian coast.

Marco van Basten could be the new Chelsea manager. Fernando Torres is livid, saying: “The role of once brilliant striker whose best days were behind him by the age of 26 is taken.”

Top five signs you’re blowing the Masters…

5) Traditional green jacket replaced with brown trousers

4) Your caddie offers to take your next shot

3) Your Twitter trend is higher than Colonel Gaddafi

2) The Duchess of Kent is being flown in to give you a hug

1) Jimmy White is offering you advice on holding it together